​​Backdraft: Why Self-Compassion can make you feel worse, and what you can do about it. ​

Painting by Samanta Winstanley

When we read or talk about self-love, self-compassion, or self-acceptance, we’re often flooded with affirmations of how becoming more self-loving will transform us in countless positive ways. Life will  feel easier, freer, smoother, and more joyful. Well, yes… but there’s often more to this adventure than first meets the heart and mind.

 In this article I’m going to draw on the wisdom presented in the Mindful Self-Compassion program in order to try and unpack some of the reasons we can actually be overcome with feelings of shame, anxiety, and even deep sadness when we begin to practice self-love, why this is normal, and what we can do about it.
 
We often know something is present because we’ve experienced its opposite (or absence) in the past. We know light because we know darkness, relaxation because of tension, and joy because of sorrow. The mind naturally evokes a counter example of what we’re talking or thinking about, especially if we’re dealing with a concept that’s new or foreign to us. It’s our mind’s way of trying to categorize and make sense of things. For example, if you think to yourself, “may I be happy,” you may then think of times you weren’t happy.

It works similarly with emotional memories. When we begin to love and treat ourselves with kindness, it can first evoke memories and feelings from when we weren't cared for, loved, or accepted in the past. These painful emotions can be especially activated if someone didn't receive the kind of love they deserved as a child.

​Self-compassion has the capacity to reach deep into the heart and offer unconditional love, but the depths of the heart is also where we hold our most painful and tender memories.  Sometimes at the beginning of this practice, these difficult feelings from the past can be unveiled and rise to the surface. 
 
The Mindful Self-Compassion program shares the quote: “Love reveals anything unlike itself.”  When we offer ourselves unconditional love – love without any conditions – emotions and experiences unlike love are revealed.
 
This is especially true if you're used to relating to yourself with criticism and judgment. If this is the case you aren’t alone, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or criticize yourself over. The truth for many of us is that we live in very fast-paced societies and feel a lot of pressure to succeed and ‘make something of ourselves’. Self-criticism, in a convoluted and roundabout way, often becomes an internalized motivator and coping strategy to preserve our self-esteem and help us run towards an endless to-do and to-be list.
 
But the dangerous impact of self-criticism is that it’s actually an attack on the very self. The same self it’s trying to motivate to do well and be happy. Over time, self-criticism can become an internalized sense that we aren’t good enough as we are. It sends the message that we need to be controlled, punished, or monitored through self-judgment and criticism in order to do well, avoid harm, or escape embarrassment. This may sound harsh, but it’s the way many of us, to varying degrees, operate in the Western world.

Yet, there’s a monumental shift that occurs in our being when we drop self-criticism and enter a more kind, non-judgmental relationship with ourselves.

Even if it’s for just a moment.
 
When we begin practicing self-compassion, we can finally meet the parts of us that have been craving and crying out to be recognized, to be enough, and to be loved. We can relax into our own being – the authentic, beautiful-just-as-we-are, part of ourselves. The part of us that’s been waiting to express itself from behind the jail bars of self-criticism.
 
When we give ourselves permission to be just as we are (without first needing to fix or make different), there can sometimes be a release of years of pent up anger, sadness, despair, grief, and longing. By way of inviting authenticity, acceptance, and welcoming of whatever arises in the present moment, self-compassion can also draw out the many feelings that have long been pushed down.
 
This is what Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff call ‘Backdraft’. When a fire is deprived of oxygen, the flames will roar when the door is opened and fresh air is introduced. The same thing can happen when we practice self-compassion.
 
If we’ve been holding the door of our hearts tightly closed on our suffering for a long time – to feelings like self-hatred, self-doubt, and self-denial – then opening the heart through self-love, kindness, and compassion can at first fan the flames and cause our suffering to flare up even more. Self-Compassion isn’t causing these painful feelings, but it is revealing old wounds that are coming up to be healed. By consciously recognizing, acknowledging, and being kind to ourselves as suffering arises, these wounds can begin to shift and be transformed.
 
Lastly, we’re often not aware of how much harm we’re causing ourselves through self-criticism. When we finally open up to self-compassion, we can sometimes react in horror to how mean we’ve been to ourselves for so long! Simultaneously we can be like the child who feels relief from finally being able to express her painful feelings and real self freely, with acknowledgment, and the mother who feels guilty and aghast at having treated her child so poorly for all these years. But from this realization can also come a deep integration, and an opportunity for deep healing to occur. We can be at once vulnerable by feeling our pain, and strong in holding that vulnerability with kindness, tenderness and caring.
 
What can you do when ‘Backdraft’ occurs?
 
Thankfully each of us already holds the capacity to work with painful feelings that can arise from beginning a practice of self-love. Here are some specific things that can help:
 
1) Keep offering yourself compassion! Especially for difficult emotions that arise in the present moment.  

2) Label what’s happening by saying to yourself something like, “I know this, this is ‘backdraft’.”
 
3) Name the strongest emotion present. This can bring clarity and recognition to whatever is arising. It really helps to name the emotion with a kind tone of voice. For example, “Ah, this is grief.”  

4) Explore with open curiosity where you feel the sensation of the emotion in your body. Perhaps you feel a constriction in your throat, tightness in your chest, a buzzing sensation in your head. It can also help to notice where you feel good in your body. Recognizing how our bodies are experiencing a particular emotion can be grounding. It can also help take us out of spinning thoughts about our experience, and allow us to be present to what is actually happening in the here-and-now.  

5) If you’ve located where a painful emotion is manifesting in your felt-body experience, you can offer soothing touch. To do this, place your palm wherever you’re experiencing the sensation most strongly, and become aware of the warmth of your hand. You can visualize something soothing like light around your palm or the area of tension in your body, or just hold a warm and caring attitude for your experience.  

6) If the experience is extremely distressing, try redirecting your attention to something outside of yourself, like a noise, the feeling of your feet on the ground, a walk outside, or an image you find particularly attractive. There’s no need to push an overly intense experience, so please take care of yourself if strong negative emotions arise or persist.  

Re-experiencing painful emotions from the past can be extremely painful and confusing if we don’t know why they’re arising. These are some helpful guidelines for working with ‘emotional backdraft’ (adapted from the MSC program) that I hope will support you on your path. If you have something that you know works for you or want to tweak any of the above suggestions to better suit you, then please do. They’re here for you to use and make your own.
 
“Love reveals anything unlike itself.” By stepping into a journey of self-love, we’re inviting a new way of being with ourselves. Trust that whatever wounds are revealed from beginning this practice are here to be healed, acknowledged, and embraced with compassion. You have all the tools within you to do this skillfully.
 
And if you need some help, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
 
With compassion and great love,
Sarah